Prison of Memories
by Typo Goblin
Summary: Hawkeye reviews her life and relationship with Roy Mustang. *I do not own FullMetal Alchemist or any of it's characters*


Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye packed her bags with the same professional code with which she conducted all other matters in her life. Most of them anyway. Shirts in one neatly folded pile on the top left, pants below that, smaller items packed neatly to the side. It was like playing tetris. Her heavier clothes went in a separate bag. She wouldn't need them for a few days, so until then, they would stay out of the way in the trunk of the car.

Before she could head out, she had to stop by the office. The boys were waiting for her, all four of them standing when she came in.

"Ma'am. We appreciate you doing this." Fuery said with a smile. The other three men nodded. Well, everyone except for Havok. He just lifted his cigarette slightly in his mouth.

"I'm doing it for me mostly, I have to admit." She said with a smile, taking a few papers from her desk.

"Doesn't matter ma'am. So long as you bring him back." Breda pointed out. "Anyway, he wouldn't come back for just us. You're the one he loves."

Riza looked up sharply to find the four of them smiling knowingly. "Don't worry, no one else knows. If we weren't all so close to you and the Lieutenant, we never would have guessed either."

"Your secret is safe with us, ma'am." Falman assured her.

She smiled at the four of them and shook her head. "You all aren't as silly and immature as I had you pegged for."

"Travel safely, Lieutenant Hawkeye. We'll be thinking of you."

_The door to the car closed with a rather loud slam, reminding Riza that she would need to get the bent hinge fixed sometime soon. Glancing in the rearview mirror, she saw the raised brow of Roy Mustang as he looked back at her. _

_"I thought I told you to get that fixed?" _

_"You thought right, sir. But, with all of your demanding, I haven't had the chance." She said in the calm, level voice that never seemed to work with him. _

_"Excuse me?" He asked by way of making her remember who the superior officer was in the relationship._

_"You heard me." She stated, cutting off anything he might have said by turning over the engine, making it roar to life, a billow of black smoke for a moment blocking her view out the rear window. The vehicle lurched out into the street before finally resuming it's smooth operation. Glancing back again, she saw that her ward had moved to the window and was looking out, the brief pools of light illuminating his face as they passed by the lamps in the darkness. _

_He could joke all he wanted, but deep down, somewhere deep, deep down, he was a man plagued with worry and doubt. Less confident than he would ever allow the world to know. She'd been with him for her entire military career, before that even and he couldn't hide it from her. Many a time she'd come to check on him at home in the evening and saved him from what would surely be a world-ending hangover. He blamed it all on her 'damn womanly intuition.' Whatever it was, it kept him out of a lot of trouble. _

_"Did you want to drop those reports off to Hughes?" She asked as they neared the fork in the road that would either bring him home, or to the home of his dearest friend. _

_"No...I'll do it in the morning. Just take me home, Hawkeye." He sounded tired now, much more than he had just five minutes before. _

_"Yes sir." _

The little cafe had proved to be a nice little stopping spot. Black Hayate seemed quite happy with the bits of meat she was giving to him and they had the meal finished in short order. Pushing away the plate, she slipped a map out of her bag and unfolded it over the table. She had the route all planned out. Looking down at the map it didn't seem like very far, a few highlighted lines on green and blue blotched paper. But, in reality, it would take her over a week to travel that yellow line. Glancing down at the dog by her side, she smiled and folded it back up. "Are you ready to go?" She asked, smiling at his immediate bark. He stood, tail wagging and followed her loyally back to the car. She could only hope that Mustang would come as willingly.

_"One dinner. Between colleagues. How could that possibly look bad?" Mustang tried to reason. _

_"Well, if they could see that look on your face, I would imagine it would look very bad." _

_"That bad, eh?" With a feigned grimness, she pursed her lips and nodded slowly. "Hm...I'll have to work on that."_

_"Just with me. Other dates you mention, you hide what you're feeling rather well."_

_"Oh, Hawkeye, you wound me."_

_"I think that more wounds me." She pointed out, tapping the paper in front of him, a soft reminder that it still needed to be signed. _

_"How so?" He asked with a glare. "Shouldn't it be a compliment? That they mean so much less to me?" He glanced down and began to sign the report in front of him. _

_She snatched it away as soon as he was finished. "If you did care for me as much as you claim, you wouldn't feel the need to go gallivanting around the city with a different woman on your arm every weekend." Riza defended. _

_"I only do that to stave off the loneliness that your absence brings me." He said, a soft boyish pout in his voice. _

_"You know the rules. We're both in the military and we have to act like it."_

_"When have I ever done that when it doesn't suit me?" He pointed out, leaning back in his chair and waggling his pen in her direction. "And when have I ever suggested that I wouldn't want to take you out to dinner?" _

_"You never have. That's not what we're talking about." She said sternly, like a mother trying to get her distracted child back on track. "We're talking about all the reasons it isn't allowed, remember?" _

_"Bah," He waved his hand and grabbed the next report out of her hand. "I order you to go out to dinner with me tomorrow night. To...talk about reports." _

_Taking the last paper, she closed the file and slid it into it's proper spot in the drawer beside him and closed it. "Ordering me, sir? To disobey military rules? That's very uncommander like." _

_Out of the corner of her eye, she could see his grin. "It is...isn't it?" _

Riza sat up slowly in bed, brushing her hair from her face and squinting against the early morning light. Even though she had a few more hours to sleep, she found that she couldn't get out of her old schedule.

"What an odd dream to have..." She mused, looking down at the dog on the floor beside her who cocked his head and blinked. "Yes, talking to myself....I realize." She informed him, slipping her legs from under the covers and standing to glance at herself in the mirror on the way to the bathroom.

The morning routine took no time at all. She remembered her first day of putting on a uniform, the confusion that the garment brought. Which rope connected where? Did it go over or under the arm? And...which side of the collar did the pins go on? Now, it came naturally. Her hair went up the same way it had for years, since she'd grown it out after the war.

Black Hayate got his food as she ate her own breakfast and packed up the car. She still had a good two days of driving ahead of her. That stupid man sure had picked a post that was way off the beaten track. But, that was fine. She knew that she would get there soon enough and she would need every moment of travel to perfect her speech, assuming she could ever come up with a basic idea of what she wanted to say. Truth was, Riza had no idea what she could say to convince him to come home once and for all.

After the incident with Ed returning, he'd fallen mostly back into his old ways. True, he was using alchemy again but he was still a shadow of the man he had once been. He said that nothing had changed. He was still deserving of what he was given, even though he'd chosen the punishment himself. He didn't seem to realize that he was punishing others as well. Havoc, Falman, Breda, Fuery...even herself. They just weren't the same under someone else's command.

Seeing how miserable they were without him, missing the biggest piece of the puzzle, she'd decided to take some personal leave and go have a 'visit' with their former colonel. It just wasn't right. He'd picked all of them to bring him to the top personally. They were a unit, a team. They'd all committed themselves to the single goal of working Mustang to the top. And then, suddenly, he'd abandoned them. The selfishness of it all made her angry some nights. Other nights, she felt like breaking down and crying at what they had lost, the friend that had left. There were the rare nights as well, when she would let herself cry. Cry for the selfish reason that she missed him.

With a sharp whistle, Black Hayate came running and jumped up into the front seat where he would wait patiently while she drove down the busy city streets which faded into the back roads of small towns until finally, after nearly a weeks driving emptied into the deserted roads between civilization that wound through forests and flatlands, over every terrain she could think of. Soon enough they would hit the snow, the final indication that she should get her words sorted out and hope that they would be enough.

It was hard to not let her mind wander when she drove down the endless, unpaved dirt roads. Memories would flood her mind when she wasn't paying attention, bringing back the emotions of rage and sadness and everything in between all over again. She would never allow them to distract her so much that she was in danger, her loyal companion would let her know if she was being stupid, but at night, when they were in some small inn or rented room, her mind truly would wander and there was very little, she'd found, that she could do to stop it.

_"There, was that so bad?" Mustang asked, getting up from his chair to take her plate into the kitchen. He'd cooked for her and no...it hadn't been so bad. It was rather good. Who knew that the Flame Alchemist could cook? "Aren't you glad I ordered you to meet me for dinner?" _

_"I suppose so." It felt odd, being so casual with him. Sure, they were friends, but they'd been in the military so long, it was odd dropping the 'sir's and formal talk. Even more awkward was the casual dress. Though, he had said she 'cleaned up alright' and Riza herself had to admit he was just as handsome out of uniform as he was in. Wearing the sleeves of his button-up rolled up to his elbows actually gave the impression that he was normal. _

_Joining her at the table again, he refilled her wine glass and sat down across from her once more. "You said you hadn't had a decent ham dinner since your mother died. So...did I at least make it up to the decent ranking?" _

_"I would say so." She allowed, taking a small sip of wine. _

_"You're awfully....short, tonight. Something wrong, Hawkeye?" He asked, watching her from over the rim of the glass as he took a drink as well. _

_"You ordered me to have dinner with you. Ordered me on a date with you when you know the military frowns upon such things." She pointed out. _

_Setting the glass down, he nodded slightly. Standing, he took away the rest of the dishes. Coming back to the dining room, he downed the rest of the wine in his glass. "You're dismissed. Have a good night, lieutenant."_

_She opened her mouth in surprise, after a moment finally managing a weak; "Sir?" _

_"It won't happen again." He promised. She was shocked, first. Finally, it faded away into shame. This had meant more to him then scoring another date with probably the last woman in the city to take out. The big challenge. It hadn't been about the off-limits status she had. She'd assumed that was the case. _

_"Col.." She stopped short. "Mustang..." That was the furthest she could go from formality. He was, after all, still her superior officer. She stood, standing at the side of the table where he was heading to blow out the candles. "You really just wanted to have dinner with me. Not lieutenant Hawkeye...me?" She asked. _

_"I didn't know you'd come tonight because I ordered you!" He threw up his hands. "I thought it was because that joke had been charming. I didn't mean it as a literal order, Hawkeye. If you were that against it, you didn't have to come. You should just say so. Stop hiding behind the military and tell me. Damn." He growled and reached behind her, pinching one of the flames to snuff it. This close, she could smell the scent of him as he brushed against her. Pulling back, he glanced at her. "I told you. You're free to go." He said, snuffing the other flame and turning away. _

_"Roy...if my being here was about the order, I never would have come. Yes, the military is against it and that's why it was an order I didn't follow. An order I should have been duty bound not to follow." She pointed out. Not even she was sure where she was going with this. She watched him run a hand through his black hair, but he still wouldn't turn and face her again. "I joined for you. I serve with the military for you. I stay away from personal relationship with you, for you. Something like this could ruin you, Mustang." _

_"I know that." He pointed out. "I'm not stupid." _

_"No, but sometimes when it comes to women, you don't exactly consider what's best for yourself." She countered. "My presence here being an example of that."_

_"Hawkeye, my asking you to follow me into the military wasn't just because I thought you could help me to the top. Not just because you're the best gunman in this military and because you could protect me better than a squad of tanks. It was an excuse to keep you with me. If you hadn't joined the military, you'd be married by now. Probably have a couple kids. When I get to the top, you won't have to worry about looking bad. The Fuhrer can do whatever the hell he wants."_

_He finally turned to face her. He was grinning, that infuriating, boyish grin that usually meant he was thinking about something boarish and sexist. In this case, it was reassuring. "I'm just asking you to put up with me till then. If you want to. I don't want you to be here because I've ordered you. I want you to be here because you want to be."_

_She smiled slightly, glad the crisis had been averted. The misunderstanding worked out.. "I am." _

A soft whine made Riza look to the side. "I'm sorry. Next stop." She said with a gentle pat on the dogs head. Her stomach, previously ignored, growled again. It made her realize that she was hungry as well. As eager as she was to reach the outpost where Mustang was stationed, she still needed all the time she could get.

Pulling over, the two shared a small lunch on the side of the road. The grass was starting to grow brown here, the breeze having more of a chilling bite than theirlast stop. They were making good time. The re-energizing stop allowed her the time to come up with a basic idea of what she wanted to say. However, the piece was becoming more of a lecture the more she thought about it. Perhaps that was the best approach though. He always had been stubborn about that things that truly mattered to him.

_"Are you sure it doesn't bother you that we never go out?" He asked, nuzzling the top of her head. He was sitting against the arm and back of the couch, with her laying back against him. A fire crackled happily in her fireplace, Black Hayate sleeping contentedly in its warmth. _

_"I'm sure. It's safe if we aren't seen. I don't feel that I have anything to prove. It doesn't mean I'm ashamed of you...just the opposite. I wouldn't want to hurt your career just because I might feel the need to be like a normal couple...which I don't." She added the last after a moments thought. "I like things the way they are." _

_"Good." He agreed, that one word managing to convey the same idea that she'd just done in nearly a paragraph's worth of rambling. His fingers brushed up and down her arm gently. It was rare enough that they got to sneak away to spend time together as it was. A couple times a month, maybe once a week if they were lucky. Otherwise, they were a normal military officer and his subordinate. Especially when the two young alchemists under his charge were out and about causing trouble. _

_She felt a gentle kiss at the top of her head, brining her out of her thoughts. "With all the insane day to day issues that we have to deal with, this is the most relaxing thing I think we could do anyway. Hell, we just put away a serial killer. The last thing I want to do is allow you to walk around the city all dolled up."_

_"Are you trying to suggest I can't take care of myself?" She asked, tilting her head back to look up at him. _

_He kissed her forehead and brushed back her hair. At first, she'd found all the affection he gave her odd. It seemed so...un-Mustang-like. He'd always seemed like such a womanizer. She knew now that he hadn't been lying when he'd said the other women had been a distraction from the fact that he couldn't have her. Of course, he still had his moments._

_"No, but not even you could hold off crowds of men." _

_She rolled her eyes and settled her head back against his shoulder. _

_"Lieutenant....did you just roll your eyes at me?" He asked, trying to sound angry, using his commanding tone.. _

_"Yes, sir." She answered in the same, docile tone she used when they were at work. Two could play at that game and they'd always stood on even ground._

It was steadily getting colder as they climbed their way up the rough mountain roads. She was wearing flannels under her uniform now and a heavy leather coat lined with fur over that. She'd laid a blanket over the passenger seat for Black Hayate who was currently sleeping with it wrapped around him, only his head and tail visible. Hawkeye smiled slightly. She was grateful for him, the constant companion that he was. Always a reason for her to keep steady composure. It had been over three years since Mustang had left. Briefly, he'd stayed in Central after the fiasco that came back with Ed, but that didn't count for much.

She'd learned how to get along without him. The new commander she worked for was a breeze after dealing with Mustang. He did his work on time and had his own driver for most events. He was married, which freed up a lot of her time not having to call for restaurant reservations or tickets to shows. But then, in the end, she hadn't been doing that for him either. He'd spent most of his time with her.

Perhaps, she mused, watching the first flakes crash into the windshield, that was why his leaving had been so hard. Sure, she missed him in the work environment, but maybe more of it was the personal abandonment she felt. It was a personal reason she was going to get him after all, no matter how she dressed it.

She knew exactly what she was going to say to him now. Just in time too. She would make it to the outpost sometime tomorrow evening she guessed. She would start out with all the reasons why he was being stupid and selfish, then work her way into why he should come back. For the men, because he would rot away out here by himself. Then, she would finish with all of the selfish reasons she'd come to get him. If she didn't leave with him, she wouldn't leave at all. He'd mentioned more than once that he didn't want _her_ career ruined. That would ruin it for sure, just as it was ruining his. It was a cheap shot, but if that's what it took, she would do it.

_The ride back from the funeral was dark and depressing. There was no way to avoid that. Mustang had just sat in the back, his head in his hands, elbows on his knees. The immaculate uniform had hid well what he was feeling during the service. But now, in the confines of the car, he didn't care. There was no one to keep up appearances for. _

_"Do you have something to eat at home?" She asked, her own voice low. She was on the verge of tears herself. _

_"Not hungry." He said, his voice barely audible. She decided not to push the matter. It would only make him angry. But then, she could understand how he felt, she'd been sick to her stomach the last few days too. _

_"Will you..will you be okay by yourself?" She asked carefully, pulling up in front of his home. _

_"Do you mean; Will I try and kill myself?" He asked, no small amount of bitterness in his voice. _

_"Yes, sir. That's exactly what I mean." She said sarcastically. "You idiot. I meant, do you grieve privately, or do you prefer to have someone with you. Memory exchanging and the like." She asked, trying to soften her voice. He wasn't dong it maliciously, wasn't trying to lash out at her personally. He was hurting. _

_"Just take me home, lieutenant. I'm tired. I'd like to get some sleep." He mumbled. _

_"Yes, sir." She managed back, somehow keeping the pain in her heart from showing in her voice. She wanted nothing more than to comfort him, but didn't know how, even if he'd wanted her to do so. _

_When she stopped in front of his house, he stepped out immediately, slamming the door behind him. He was half way up the walk before she could even think about opening her door. That made his wishes fairly clear. She sat in the idly car for a few moments before she left him in peace. _

_It ate at her for the next couple of hours. She moved around her apartment in a daze, still trying to believe the days events. He was gone. Yet, as much as that hit her, she worried for Mustang more. She couldn't imagine what he was going through. Finally, unable to shake the horrible feeling that had nothing to do with Hughes' death, she got back into the car. _

_Despite the fact that it was now dark, there were no lights on in the colonel's house. There was a soft, flickering light coming from the main room, but it was barely noticeable. She knocked on the door for nearly ten minutes before she tested the handle. Locked. She knocked a few more times, growing more impatient by the minute. Finally, she sprinted to the back of the house and tested the door there. It moved open a few inches._

_"Colonel!" She called. "I'm coming in, sir."_

_The house was quiet and dark, not a shadow shifting in any corner. His jacket and shirt lay across the bed which wasn't mussed in anyway. She made her way down the hall, into the living room where she saw him.  
He was sitting on the couch, in front of a fire that was barely more than smoldering ashes. He was bare-chested, leaning against his knees. His dark hair covered his eyes but she could see that he'd been crying. There was a pistol in his hand and he was staring at it as if it was the only thing in the world. _

_"Roy...what are you doing?" She asked slowly, stopping where she was. _

_He didn't even look up at her. He raised his hand slightly, checking the chamber for the brass glint of bullet, then raised it more. _

_"Sir!" She cried, jumping forward and twisting the gun from his grip and taking a step back. _

_"Give it back!" Mustang roared, standing abruptly. With a snap of his fingers, the flames in the hearth flared back to life and jumped out at her. Luckily her quick reflexes saved her from any serious harm. The flames engulfed her hand, making her drop the pistol with a loud clatter and cry of pain. _

_Stepping back, she cradled the hand against her chest in shock. _

_Standing there for a few minutes, Roy just looked at her. His looked of fury slowly faded into shock. _

_"Riza!" He gasped, staggering forward to kneel down in front of her. _

_That was when she hit him. Burned hand or not, she gave him the meanest right hook she could muster. It sent him to the floor, holding his jaw and staring up at the ceiling. Riza stood up and over him, looking down at him, her brown eyes hard and cold. _

_"You promised him, you lying bastard." She informed him, her voice as hard and cold as her eyes. She was flexing her right hand, knuckles red from the impact, the heel of her hand and base of her wrist raw and red from the burns. "When Hughes caught you the first time trying something so stupid, you promised him. How dare you!" She yelled, resisting the urge to kick him. "On the day of his funeral, to try the same, stupid stunt!" _

_Letting his hand fall to the floor, he just looked up at her. "I miss him."_

_"So what? You were gonna go see him?" She asked. _

_"I was thinking about it." He admitted. _

_Riza looked down at him, the fury melting away slightly. "What about me?" She asked quietly. _

"_Tell me right now. If you don't care...I'll leave. I'll see you at work in the morning and I'll never, ever bother you again." She promised. _

_"I-" He paused a moment then sat up, leaning back against his hand. "I love you." _

_"You're lying again." She spat. _

_"I'm not." _

_"Then why did I walk in here to find you with a gun in your hand?" She cried, throwing up her own hands. "Why would you do that? You were going to shoot yourself in front of me!" She gave a bitter laugh. "And now you have the audacity to tell me you love me."_

_"Riza...let me see your hand." _

_"Fuck you!" She yelled, staring down at him. _

_"I wasn't thinking clearly." He told her, standing as he gingerly rubbed his jaw. "All I was thinking about was losing my best friend. I wasn't thinking about keeping the woman I loved." He admitted, standing to face her. _

_"Damn right you weren't." _

_"My first thought was that I had nothing left. Putting a gun to my mouth seemed like the only way to make that pain go away. I actually thought to myself; I'm not going to be a coward this time. I'm going to do it."_

_"Sir, forgive my saying so, but that's the stupidest thing you've ever said."_

_"Forgiven, lieutenant." He said with a bare smile. "I didn't even realize it was you calling to come in. I thought it was a voice in my head. I heard a lot of those the first time I tried to do it. Then, I saw you sitting there, holding your hand and realized that the correct course of action was staring me in the face. Or rather, punching me. I have my work to bury myself in, sure. But there's you."_

_"You once told me why you asked me to join the military. Now I'm going to tell you why I joined. It wasn't because you asked me. Who would do that? Join to help someone else get to the top. I chose to stay with you because I don't trust anyone else with your life. Weither you like it or not, I'm going to protect you. Even from yourself, sir. Hughes would shoot you himself if he knew what you just tried to do."_

_"Oh, he knew." Roy gave her a lopsided grin. "Why do you think he sent you?" _

_She just stared at him for a moment. She supposed, if one wanted to look at it that way, he had a point. Her timing had been uncanny._

_"Now, will you please let me look at your hand?" He asked gently, holding out his own. Gingerly, she gave it to him. The turned it over gently, examining the damage. His dark eyes rose to meet her gaze. They were filled with pain and regret. "I'm sorry. I know that doesn't count for much right now, but I'm sorry." He said softly. He kissed the palm of her hand before leading her to the bathroom. Gently rubbing some salve on the burns, he wrapped the heel of her hand and her wrist in clean bandages. _

_"Will you try that again?" She asked softly, looking down at the bandaged hand. _

_He brought his fingers to her chin, raising her head gently. "No. I won't promise anything, because I'm sure you wouldn't believe it anyway." _

_"As much as I miss Hughes...I would die if I lost you too." She muttered, a little uncomfortable with being so open about her feelings. _

_His fingers brushed up her cheek, resting his hand against the side of her face. "I wasn't lying. Seeing you there, realizing that I had been the one made me see you for what you really mean to me. I can't apologize enough. I was stupid and I'm sorry. Please, forgive me, Riza?" He asked softly. _

_She raised her eyes and nodded slowly. Leaning forward, he kissed her gently, his thumb feathering over her cheek."Thank you." He whispered against her lips. _

_His hands moved to her sides, pulling her tight against his body. Kissing her again, he did a thorough job of it this time, feeling her melt in his arms, making him slide them around her. Her hands rested on his bare chest, feeling the muscles move beneath her fingers as his arms shifted around her, holding her tight against his warm body. With a sigh against his lips, she gave in to him. _

_It was that night that they broke the cardinal, unspoken rule of their relationship. Yet, when she woke in the morning with him curled up against her, she felt no amount of guilt whatsoever. Instead, she felt peace. Freedom. He'd freely given himself to her, and now she belonged to him. They had always been an unstoppable force together, and for a while she'd lost track of that. He probably had as well. _

_Now, laying there with him, everything felt right with the world. The horrible ache of Hughes death still weighed heavy on her heart, Mustang's as well she was sure. Yet, he'd come to realize that he could depend on her for more than just physical protection on duty. He'd lost a great friend, but not his only friend. Together, they could get through anything. _

_With a soft snort, she turned into him and settled back down. How corny and cliché. She thought, falling back asleep._

Riza had never taken a wrong turn in her life. Yet here, in the middle of nowhere she'd gone left instead of right on the _one_ road on the entire mountain. At least she knew how to get back and wasn't lost. It was getting late anyway. She stopped the car on the side of the road and prepared to settle in for the night. It had stopped snowing enough to take out Black Hayate for one more walk before settling into the heavy blankets she'd brought just for the winter 'camping' she'd be doing. As she laid across the seat, Black Hayate curled against her legs, she watched the snow fall against the back window of the car.

This weather reminded her more of Hughes than it did anyone else. His favorite season, the reasons all being centered around his daughter, naturally. Her birthday was in winter, and claimed that snow was better for the imagination. You couldn't build a fort or snowman out of spring grass or summer flowers. The colors didn't let the imagination wander like the blank slate of white snow did. Or his favorite part, snuggling with his little girl as they drank hot chocolate and sat by the fire after an outdoor adventure. He'd loved the way her cheeks grew red from the chill and how she'd squeal and giggle when he teased her with his cold hands on her neck.

He's always invited them to go sledding. She'd gone a few times. Mustang had as well, usually just to watch them slide down the hill, warm them when they needed it with a small fire here or there. He would try to act like he wasn't having fun, but he couldn't hide it, not from his two closest friends. Hughes could see it just as much as she could.

Those memories always brought back the painful ones associated with his death. It had been hard on her, but for every moment she mourned, every tear she cried, Mustang felt it tenfold.

_"Colonel Mustang. Lieutenant Hawkeye. Please, come in." Gracia stood to the side to allow the two entrance to her home. Despite her loss, she looked wonderful. She hadn't let things go, continuing on with her daily routine. _

_"Are you holding up alright?" Roy asked gently. _

_She sat with them in the living room, shaking her head gently. "If it was just me...I could...deal with this." She started quietly, hanging her head. "It's Eliciia..."_

_"Is something wrong with her?" Roy asked quickly, obviously concerned. _

_"No, she's fine. But, she only half understands what's going on. She's fine for a while, playing like she always does. Then...she'll see someone dressed in black, or a vase of flowers, or a picture of him and she'll cling to me and cry and yell. She begs me to go back and-" She choked, brushing at her tears with a rough hand. Hawkeye moved to sit beside her, slipping an arm around her shoulders gently. _

_"She begs me to dig him up and let him come home. She thinks he's in trouble. It-" She took a deep breath and looked up at Mustang. "It has me dreaming. I dream in the night that he's alive, buried under there, screaming to get out. I...I don't know what to say to her. I can barely keep myself from going crazy." She admitted. "He would be so...ashamed of me." _

_"That's not true. You're doing amazingly well. He loved you very much, he would never be ashamed of you, Gracia." Hawkeye said quickly. _

_"He loved her so much, and I can't even find the words to explain to her that he's dead." She stood quickly and brushed her eyes again. "I'm sorry, I'm a horrible hostess, let me get some tea."_

_Both of the officers stood. "You sit." Roy urged. "I'll go talk to Elicia, Hawkeye know's how to make a mean pot of tea." Gracia sank gratefully back down to the couch. The two headed to the kitchen, where Roy continued to the back yeard. _

_Putting on a pot of water, she watched as Roy went to the little girl who was clearly happy to see him. He sat down on the ground and pulled her onto his lap. She couldn't tell what he was saying to her, but she started crying and shaking her head. He held her close and calmed her down, gently keeping her attention as he continued to talk. Eventually she stopped crying and nodded. _

_Placing the tea and cups on a tray, she walked back to Gracia just as the two came in, Elicia holding tightly to Roy's hand. Walking up to her mother, she stood in front of her sheepishly. _

_"Mommy...I'm sorry. I won't do it again. For daddy." She whispered. _

_Gracia swept up her daughter and held her tightly, tears falling once more. _

_"Don't be sorry baby. Please don't be sorry. I know you miss him. He left us both." _

_With a hand at the small of her back, Mustang led Hawkeye out of the house._

_In the middle of the walk, she stopped. "I can't imagine what that must be like..." She murmured. When she turned to face him, she was surprised by his sudden kiss, holding her tight against him, out in the open, in the middle of the day. _

_She pulled away gingerly and looked up at him. "We shouldn't be doing this..."_

_To quiet her, he kissed her again, harder and longer. She could feel the need in him. _

_"I won't put you through that." He promised her, looking down at her. "Ever." _

_Nodding slowly, she smiled. "It's my job to protect you. If you ever die, it would be my fault anyway." _

_He shook his head. "I'm not kidding, Riza. I don't ever want you to be that torn up..that..." He faultered for a moment, unable to come up with the word he wanted. "That destroyed."_

_"Roy...I will follow you wherever you go." She whispered, then kissed him gently, holding him just as tight. "Wherever you go. That's what I promise you." _

Sitting in the idling car, Black Hayate looked up at Riza and cocked his head. They'd been sitting in front of that sign for a good twenty minutes now. "MILITARY PERSONELL ONLY" The sign was faded now, whatever other warnings written in smaller print below was covered by a snow drift. The bark of her companion finally got her going again. She'd come all this way, far to much of a distance to go back now. A few more miles up the road and the cabin came to view. There was very little around it, nothing to block out the harsh winter wind that was whipping over the car, making it rather hard to handle as it hammered against the side.

The clouds on the horizon looked dark and angry. With or without Mustang, she would have to leave within the next couple of hours if she wanted to stay ahead of it long enough to find shelter for the night. She parked beside the small house, letting Black Hayate out of the car first to run off and release some of the energy built up over their long days of travel.

She stayed in the car a while longer. Sure that he knew she was there, Riza took the fact that he hadn't come out to greet her as a few more minutes to gather her composure. It didn't help very much. The longer she sat, the more she thought back to the day he'd left. And now, here she was, about to see him again. She didn't know if she should be excited or scared, so instead she felt an odd mixture of both. The feeling left her stomach with butterflies and set her heart racing.

_"You're going where?" She'd been confused at first. After the death of the Fuhrer, he'd seemed fine for a while. Yet, over the last month, he'd grown away from her. He'd drawn more into himself and shut the rest of the world out. "What do you mean, western station? There's nothing out there." _

_"I know. That's why I'm going. I can't get what I did out of my head. I can't sleep." He admitted miserably. She'd seen the evidence of that. The dark bags under his eyes, the way he'd stopped joking and behind his infuriatingly teasing self to become more irritable and short. The few nights they'd spent together since his recovery she'd felt his tossing and turning. How he would leave the bed in the early hours of the morning to try to keep from waking her. _

_"I'm going with you...right?" She asked carefully, watching him pace back and forth in front of her. _

_He stopped walking, looked down at her. "No. You aren't. You're better off here." _

_"What kind of convoluted logic is that?" She asked, rushing to her feet in a fit of anger. "I'm better off with you. I always have been. Are you mad at me? Are you trying to punish me for..." With a growl of frustration at her voice breaking, she sat down again quickly and turned to the side slightly, trying to face away from him. _

_"Hawkeye, I don't blame you for anything that happened. You protected me. Nothing was your fault, not even this. I can't even preform alchemy anymore. Every time I do it reminds me of him." _

_"Then why can't I go with you?" _

_"Because, you have so much potential. I can't let you do it." _

_"You let me chance my military career to be with you!" She pointed out, her anger returning. _

_"This isn't the same. That was a chance. This will destroy it for sure." _

_"It's destroying yours too. You were going to be Fuhrer. What happened to that?" _

_"Lots of things have happened, lots of things have changed since then." He stood in front of her, rested his hand on her cheek gently. _

_"I'm doing this because I love you. I can't take you down with me." _

_Her eyes snapped to him immediately. "I can't believe you just said that." She saw the confusion in his eyes, his frown deepening. "Don't you dare..I can't believe..." She fumed, taking a step back. "You son of a bitch, you're lying to me again."  
"Lying? Riza-" _

_"Shut up." _

_She'd never said that to him before. It left him even more confused. _

_"Don't tell me you love me. You're lying. If you loved me, you wouldn't be walking out on me. You're walking out on more than just me. Everything we've worked for, the men included. Havok won't understand why you left, Fuery will understand, but he'll be crushed. Breda will be lost without you. Falman will just bury himself in work. You're moving as far away from us, from me, as you can get. So don't you even dare try and smooth it over." She grabbed her coat off the arm of the couch. "Just go." She said, barely able to get the words out before her voice broke. _

_The only thing he could do was let her go. _

The second time he'd left hadn't been much better. He'd given her, given everyone the impression that he would be staying. Using alchemy again was a pretty strong indication that he was returning to his old self. He might even return to his goal, others said. He'd taken her out, actually out, in public to dinner that night. When they got back to her apartment, he'd pinned her against the wall and told her how much he'd missed her, needed her. He never once told her he loved her, but at the time, she hadn't realized it.

The night had been spent in passion and lust. The need to feel bare skin against bare skin, after so long had overwhelmed the both of them. She didn't say the words either, but life stood still when she was with him. This was the man she was meant to spend the rest of her life with.

Yet, in the morning, he was gone. He'd left her a note. Used the same reasons as last time, sad as they were. Apologized for not being man enough for her. For not being able to live up to what she wanted, needed or deserved. A bunch of flowery, cliché bullshit. She thought as she tore it to pieces and threw herself into her work with a force the military had never seen from her.

But, as time went on, she came to understand him. She came to forgive him. And finally, she came to remember her promise.

Finally getting out of the car, she made her way to the door. Bracing herself against the wind, she knocked twice and waited. She knew exactly what she wanted to say, not letting her mind go blank. She heard the rattling of the handle and the door opened on quiet hinges.

Mustang stood before her, dressed in civilian clothes. Nothing had changed. He looked the same. The patch covered his eye, but he was still handsome, still taking her breath away. Before she could say anything, begin reciting the perfect speech she had planned, he acted.

Pulling her against him, his arms enveloped her against his strong body, bringing her lips to his. The kiss was quick and completely unsatisfying. It had been too long. On top of that, she hadn't been expecting such a welcome. She'd told herself to expect nothing resembling affection from him. And yet, there she was in his arms.

"What took you so long?" He asked as he pulled away to look down at her.

"Sir?"

He smiled slightly. "What took you so long, Hawkeye?" He repeated quietly. "I expected you here a lot sooner."

"You knew I would come?" She asked, slightly confused. Perhaps someone had sent him a message.

"You still love me." He stated. "You were furious when you left the first time I told you I was leaving, and you accepted it the second time, but neither of those would have changed how you felt. At least, that's what I hoped. You made a promise that you would follow me wherever I went. I knew you would...it was just a matter of time."

"You arrogant ass." She laughed, wanting to haul out and punch him again. He deserved it. "Why didn't you just come back?"

"I had to figure some things out. I'm not dead, I'm not drunk, I think it was a success. And, as you can see.."Stepping aside, he waved a hand toward the far wall of the room. A few boxes and suitcases sat in a pile. "I was just waiting for transportation." Turning back to her, he urged her inside, closing the door behind Black Hayate who bounded in after Riza, fur matted with snow.

He took off her heavy coat before taking her to the fire, holding her against him once again.

"What changed your mind? I thought you were going to spend the rest of your life here."

"That was my plan. To keep from hurting anyone else. But then, I suppose you could say Hughes visited me. I had a dream about a talk he had with me. I have been stupid, Riza. More stupid than not admitting I loved you would have been. I'm sorry." His fingers ran through her hair, burrowed in the soft mass. "I wish I didn't take me so long to realize that I wasn't helping myself, or you. That I was hurting the woman I loved. If Hughes were still here, he would have come to kill me a long time ago, I'm sure. You always were more reserved than he was about such things."

"I love you. I can't protect you way out here. I can't make sure you're treated the way you deserve if I'm not even with you. It was selfish and I promise, I'll never let it happen again.

"You better not be lying to me." She whispered, barely able to believe what she was hearing.

"I promise you, on the grave of Hughes himself, I will never be so stupid again. I won't leave the woman I love a second time." To seal the promise, he kissed her, holding her close to warm her from the chill of the weather outside, and the chill he'd left inside.

"You've made such promises to me before." She whispered against his lips, closing her eyes and letting herself relax against him.

"I know I have." He accepted with a sigh of defeat. "The only way I can make it up to you is make sure this is the last time I let you down. I can only hope you'll trust me, trust that I won't break your heart again."

"You never broke my heart. You just took it with you when you left." She murmured against his shoulder.

"You'll still trust me with it?"

"I'm here...aren't I?" She asked slowly. "You've always trusted me with your life, this is the least I can do."

"You've never given me a reason to doubt you," He started, kissing the top of her head. She scoffed slightly, thinking immediately of the incident with the Fuhrer. "Never." He added with a light squeeze, as if he knew what she was thinking. "But I've given you reason after reason to doubt me."

"Shut up, Mustang. You aren't helping your chances."

"You deserve better." He continued, ignoring her.

Raising her head sharply, she glared at him. "I said shut up. Stop calling me stupid. Do you think I would ever give myself over to a man who didn't deserve me?"

He thought about it a moment. "No, I suppose not."

"Then kiss me and let's pack the car. I'm ready to go home." She said, her gaze softening as she looked up at him.

"Mmm, I think we should wait out the storm. Just in case."

She laughed and kissed him, her arms wrapping around his neck to pull him close. "That's one lie I'm willing to live with."


End file.
